I was once given the advice to read one chapter of Proverbs each day. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most months, so all you have to do is read the date's corresponding chapter to finish the entire book in 31 days. While it is great advice, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I opened my Bible last. The past 2 1/2 months have been the most challenging months I've had in years, and with all the stress of figuring out what I was going to do with my life, my Bible lay in one of my tote bags just waiting. I didn't even know if it was with me here in NKY or packed up in Louisville, but I was searching for papers yesterday, and there it was. And I felt guilty. So I picked it up and set it on the edge of my bed. That's a start, right? Well, I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't slept in almost 2 weeks. And after a failed attempt at a nap earlier this evening, I opened my Bible to Proverbs 12 (because it's July 12....), and I read and read and read. And then I realized something. I probably should have realized it a while ago, but I don't think I was listening. I wasn't sitting still and asking God what He was trying to teach me through all of this. But I listened today, and it's a start.
I realized today that I am in the middle of a fierce battle. A battle for my mind, my thoughts, my convictions and my future. I have always believed the Bible as absolute truth, but when I actually sat down and read and listened to that truth today, I realized that a lot of the thoughts, struggles and things I've wrestled with over the past couple of months about what I believe in, value and stand for, were warring within me. Lately I have been in the most vulnerable state, and instead of saturating myself in God's word and in TRUTH, I settled for sleepless nights and questioned everything I ever stood for. I settled for feeling sorry for myself and thinking that every good choice I made along the way was somehow me doing something great for God. I believed that my good choices happened because of ME, instead of because of His mercy and love and protection over me. I exalted myself in my heart and thought in my moments of weakness that I could survive this by my own strength. Oh how weak I really am. And in that time, Satan continued to attack. You see, he started attacking once Alex and I decided to adopt. Adoption is the physical representation of the gospel here on Earth, and I should have been ready. Maybe I thought I was. It just doesn't surprise me that the moment we sent our dossier off, everything fell to pieces. I should have expected it, and I let it surprise me. And he continued to attack. Destroying my marriage wasn't enough. He wanted everything. My heart. My soul. My mind. My body. Everything. It's a battle. And it will continue to be a battle. But I know where my anchor and where my hope is. All I have to do is give Him some of my time. Give Him my ears to hear what he is whispering to me during those sleepless moments. Give Him my eyes to see those in front of me who are hurting just like I am. It's time for me to start fighting back. Thankfully, I know the battle is already won. All I have to do is rest in Jesus and His truth. Rest in His words that convict, encourage and point me in the right direction. The battle is already won. Now to rest...
