Beauty From Ashes

I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time. If I'm being honest, it will probably be the last on this blog. I think there comes a point when a person has healed to a point that they don't look back. They don't want to look back because they've learned, grieved, grown and moved on. So that's a really good thing if you ask me! But this blog deserves one last post. You all deserve one last post. And I think you'll enjoy it.

This all started in 2012. This huge, beautiful, messy, painful journey of adoption. While it didn't end how my heart hoped and prayed it would, in a way this all just FEELS right. I can't explain it. But I hope the following words and pictures feel right to you all as well. You've been on this journey with "us" for years now. You've shared in this story, and the good news is that it doesn't end. The time we spent filling out paperwork, making a home, raising money and in prayer was not in vain. Yes, the McCall family adoption journey is over, but because you joined us and supported financially, those gifts go on. And I want to do my last part in connecting you with those stories.

About a month ago, I realized that my heart had healed so significantly that not only could I accept that (for the time being) adoption and motherhood were over for me presently, I could JOYFULLY give of what you all sacrificially gave to Alex and I to bring our little girl home. I read an article the other day that had a quote that hit me so powerfully: "The best orphanage is still an orphanage." No child belongs in one. And it is with great joy and smiles and tears that I let you all know that your generous gifts to us have reached far beyond my wildest imagination. I sat on my bed a month ago and wrote check after check after check to families who LOVE Jesus and are being obedient to Him and giving a family to children who have none. I've spent months praying over the thousands we raised. Each family below is in such a different stage of adoption, and it is so exciting for me to be able to share their stories with you. Praise Jesus for He is GOOD!

Introducing...

The Richardson Family (Sean and Sarah)
http://therichardsonadoption.blogspot.com

I've never met Sarah, but I went to college with her sister, Katie. We became good friends at Union, and I've been following her sister and brother-in-law's story ever since they announced they were adopting from Ghana! They got to meet their daughter back in February, and she is beautiful. You can follow their journey via their blog (link above).




The Yates Family (Kevin and Rachel)
https://www.facebook.com/Bringingharperhome?fref=ts

I went to high school at Whitefield with Rachel. She and her husband recently began the process of adopting a little girl from Haiti. You can follow their journey via their Facebook page! I love reading about how excited their four children are and how they are involved in the whole process! It's a family affair after all. :)











The Ashley Family (Zach and Danielle)
http://ashleyadoption.com

I met Danielle when I was working at the library up in Northern Kentucky. She would bring in her four sweet girls to storytime every now and then. We got to know each other a little bit and towards the middle of 2014, I learned that their family was also in the middle of the adoption process! They are currently trying to adopt from the United States, but have had one of the hardest adoption stories I've ever heard. Please pray for their entire family as they walk in obedience. Pray that hope is renewed and for the child God will bring into their family.









The Snivley Family (Brian and Anne)
https://snivleysonamission.wordpress.com

I have never met Brian and Anne, but we have many mutual friends through The Avenue. They are adopting from the United States and recently received a matching grant at the same time I was praying about how to use the money God had provided us. I just knew that they were a family to bless in this way because God would DOUBLE that gift! How cool is that?! Not to mention, a couple weeks later they were finally MATCHED! Please keep them in your prayers as they begin this new journey of parenthood. Adoption is not for the faint of heart.










There are four more families (IN ADDITION TO THESE) that were blessed because of YOUR gifts. For privacy and protection of the children they are adopting, I am not able to share their stories with you (presently), but that could change at a later point in time. But for now, please pray for the four families above. Pray for protection over them and their children. Pray for peace, patience, hope and a lot of faith. Writing to each of them brought tons of tears, but not the tears of 2014. These were tears of hope and joy and complete peace.

Thank you for coming along on this journey. It is such a blessing to be able to write this post. It fills my heart with complete happiness to be able to share their stories with you. Your many gifts are making a difference. Children's lives will change because of YOU. And if that is what God had in mind for my story all along, I am happy to be used in this way. Thank you for everything.

Briana McCall

Battle

I was once given the advice to read one chapter of Proverbs each day. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most months, so all you have to do is read the date's corresponding chapter to finish the entire book in 31 days. While it is great advice, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I opened my Bible last. The past 2 1/2 months have been the most challenging months I've had in years, and with all the stress of figuring out what I was going to do with my life, my Bible lay in one of my tote bags just waiting. I didn't even know if it was with me here in NKY or packed up in Louisville, but I was searching for papers yesterday, and there it was. And I felt guilty. So I picked it up and set it on the edge of my bed. That's a start, right? Well, I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't slept in almost 2 weeks. And after a failed attempt at a nap earlier this evening, I opened my Bible to Proverbs 12 (because it's July 12....), and I read and read and read. And then I realized something. I probably should have realized it a while ago, but I don't think I was listening. I wasn't sitting still and asking God what He was trying to teach me through all of this. But I listened today, and it's a start.

I realized today that I am in the middle of a fierce battle. A battle for my mind, my thoughts, my convictions and my future. I have always believed the Bible as absolute truth, but when I actually sat down and read and listened to that truth today, I realized that a lot of the thoughts, struggles and things I've wrestled with over the past couple of months about what I believe in, value and stand for, were warring within me. Lately I have been in the most vulnerable state, and instead of saturating myself in God's word and in TRUTH, I settled for sleepless nights and questioned everything I ever stood for. I settled for feeling sorry for myself and thinking that every good choice I made along the way was somehow me doing something great for God. I believed that my good choices happened because of ME, instead of because of His mercy and love and protection over me. I exalted myself in my heart and thought in my moments of weakness that I could survive this by my own strength. Oh how weak I really am. And in that time, Satan continued to attack. You see, he started attacking once Alex and I decided to adopt. Adoption is the physical representation of the gospel here on Earth, and I should have been ready. Maybe I thought I was. It just doesn't surprise me that the moment we sent our dossier off, everything fell to pieces. I should have expected it, and I let it surprise me. And he continued to attack. Destroying my marriage wasn't enough. He wanted everything. My heart. My soul. My mind. My body. Everything. It's a battle. And it will continue to be a battle. But I know where my anchor and where my hope is. All I have to do is give Him some of my time. Give Him my ears to hear what he is whispering to me during those sleepless moments. Give Him my eyes to see those in front of me who are hurting just like I am. It's time for me to start fighting back. Thankfully, I know the battle is already won. All I have to do is rest in Jesus and His truth. Rest in His words that convict, encourage and point me in the right direction. The battle is already won. Now to rest...

Security

Thank you to everyone who has been sending me sweet messages, prayers and Bible verses over the past month. You have no idea how much your words of encouragement have lifted my spirit. It is definitely during times like these when you know who your true friends are. 

Divorce. It's so ugly, and it honestly brings out the absolute worst in people. It's brought out the worst in me, and I am trying to run from it's ugly grip. It has also taught me a lot of lessons. Mostly lessons about security. 

I've always said that Jesus is my rock and my security. But was He really? In a way, yes. But I've realized that I put a lot more security into other things: a job, where I lived, my possessions, my marriage. Those things can obviously help form a sense of security, but what happens if every single one of those things is taken away? What then? Is Jesus enough? 

He is. He really is. 

Because of this divorce, I am having to leave my job that I absolutely LOVE. Scroll back to a few posts ago, and you can read all about it. I won't be able to financially support myself here in NKY so I am moving back home, to Louisville, at the end of the summer. All my "stuff" has literally been taken from my home. Do I still have security when I am sleeping on the floor of an empty apartment? And lastly, the man who promised to love me for better or for worse just left. Moved out and took everything with him. Was my security in him?

It's okay to have things. It's okay to have relationships. But there is security to be found in something much much greater. There is security in Christ who will NEVER leave you or forsake you. There is security in knowing you are His, forever. I always thought that my security was in Him, but now I KNOW. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my faith and my heart are secure. Nobody can take that away from me. 

"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:37-39

That verse was read by our Louisville pastor, Ben Hardman, at Alex and I's wedding. I wanted Christ and His love to be the focus of that day, and I don't think I could have picked a better verse to have been read. Even when earthly love fails, His love is constant and remains forever. In that promise I have hope. 

Abandoned

As my loyal blog readers know, most of this blog has been dedicated to updating everyone on how Alex and I's international adoption journey is progressing. Over the past 18 months, I have shared the emotions I've been feeling, fundraising efforts, stories how God has provided financially, etc. This journey was everything I expected it to be and nothing like I expected it to be, and it is with such a heavy and heartbroken heart that I write this post.

Abandonment.

It is what every orphan experiences, and the battle I have been preparing to wage war against, for my daughter, in the name of God's justice. Every child deserves a loving family. Every single one. Over the past 18 months, I have read countless books on the behaviors of those who are abandoned and how to build attachments after such a significant loss in life. THE most significant loss in life. Alex and I spent all last summer in parenting classes to learn how to specifically care and nurture for a child that has been through such trauma. A trauma that neither of us have ever known. We come from loving families that have and always will be there for us, no matter what. We have the greatest friends who are there the minute we need them. We have the most caring church family that has prayed and rejoiced with us along this journey. I just never thought that on this adoption journey, I would experience abandonment in the most personal and significant way.

There's not really any other way to say this but that Alex has decided that he no longer wants to be married. He is unhappy and wants to start his life over. And while this is something that would normally be dealt with privately, it really can't be private. More than 15,000 times, people have clicked on this blog and become a part of our story, whether by reading, commenting, praying or giving financially. We have invited you to be a part of our story, and it is only fair that we share what is currently happening.

I just want everyone to know that I never wanted this to happen. Never. When I got married, it was for forever. If you go back to this blog post, I shared on our anniversary, I wrote down my wedding vows. Here they are:

"Many people believe that the greatest part of love is living happily ever after, but looking back on the journey I've had so far with you, I've realized that the best part of love is when two people grow together in love and fight for love despite every obstacle and circumstance that tries to prevent it from existing or tells you that you don't deserve to have it. I've learned to look back on our story and cherish the moments that we fought for love when it didn't seem so close and for the times we clung to it when it was closer than close. I love the man that I have watched you become, and vow to fight everyday for what we have. I vow to fight for who you are and for who I am when I'm with you. I vow to fight for us. And I vow to fight with all my strength until the day that I die. Forever and always, from this day forward, with Christ and his church as my witness."

I can hardly read through those words because everything is falling apart around me. I am alone and completely on my own. The person that I loved the most in this whole entire world left.

I've spent every day for the past few weeks on my knees, praying that God would "work together ALL things." I don't know why I am surprised, but I don't think I've ever felt closer to Him than I have these past few weeks. I just want to do the right thing in all of this. Unfortunately, the law favors those who want to break the marriage covenant/contract rather than the ones who want to fight to make things work. Legally, there is not much I can do.

As for the adoption, I am now grieving both the loss of a spouse and the loss of a daughter. I walk past her room, all ready and waiting for her to sleep and play in it. I've walked past that room for almost a year, just imagining and dreaming of what our family would eventually look like. I knew she would be abandoned but didn't expect that during this journey, I would be as well. I also didn't expect it to end this soon. And in this way. 

I want every person who has contributed to our adoption financially to know this: We still have every single penny that was raised through fundraising. Every dollar we spent was of our own savings, and we have agreed to give 100% of what was given to us to another family going through the same process. You all gave financially and through donations to help us bring a little girl home, and while we may not be the parents, another little one will be forever chosen and adopted into a loving family because of your conviction and dedication to loving the fatherless.

I feel like I have let everyone down. And I'm sorry. I really am. 

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I've been clinging to Jesus, the one who I know will never abandon me. He is my constant. I find hope in looking back at this blog post. I still believe every word I wrote with my entire being. 

As impressive as creation is, what is more impressive is what He can do with something that is broken.

I am holding onto that hope, and just taking it day by day. Thank you for being on this journey with us... I'm praying for a miracle, praying for healing, and praying that I remain obedient to Him for as long as I live.

Update!

I know I haven't updated in a while, but we are making progress! We sent our dossier to our agency a few weeks ago and as I expected, they sent it back because we were missing a few things. The good thing is that they are super easy documents to get and send back so we should have it sent back by the end of the week! Thanks for checking back and following our journey.


As you might have noticed, I deleted my personal Facebook account. I have another Facebook account but that is for work purposes. Feel free to add me on there, but understand that I only post work-related material. Feel free to send me direct messages or emails! :)

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Many times when I am cleaning my apartment, I come across sermon notes from church services throughout the year. I hate throwing them away, but I know that I can't keep them forever. I used to have a notebook that I took notes in, and I should probably get back into practice with that, but that is beside the point. Today I came across some notes I took during a service on prayer. I just wanted to take a quick moment to blog these notes so that I can feel okay before throwing them away. Storing my notes here guarantees that I can go back to them whenever I want and it also gives me a chance to share them with anyone that might be blessed by them. 

When you pray...
1. You must be in good standing with God. Confess any sin before Him and repent. If you have wronged someone, make it right before going to God in prayer. Come before Him with clean hands and a pure heart. 

2. Pray in the will of God. Many times this is hard because we are trying to find out what the will of God in our lives is. {Tip: Pray the word of God.}

3. Believe that God wants to answer your prayers. 1 John 5:14-15

4. Persevere in your prayers. They are not always answered immediately. If it helps, write them down so that you can go back and look at how God has responded over the years.

5. Praise God and thank Him. Not only for the things He has already done, but also for the things that He will do in the future. 

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

John 15:7 ESV

New JOB?? :)

Where do I even start?? LOTS of things have changed around the McCall household that it's kind of hard to comprehend or see how we even got here. I don't really have any adoption updates, but we do have a completed home study which we waited THREE long extra months for waiting on my fingerprints (that I was never supposed to have to get in the first place... long story) but they finally came in at the very end of October, and we were ready to send in our dossier. That is until I went to make a copy of Alex's passport and he informed me that he lost it. So the new passport application has been sent in and we are just waiting on it to come in (hopefully soon b/c we paid for Expediated Shipping) to send in all our paperwork. Right now we are about 6 months behind what we had thought our adoption schedule would look like, and it is kind of frustrating since all of it could have been prevented on our end, but what can we do now? Fingers crossed that when we actually send in our paperwork, they don't return it all and say they need more updated copies. A lot of it we had done in the spring and that is what I'm afraid of. Oh well... it'll all come together. I plan on spending all of December and January applying for adoption grants. I was going to start last month, but with school being CRAZY, I just needed to wait until the semester was over and I could b r e a t h e. Did I mention that the semester is almost over?? At this time on Saturday I will be DONE! Done with my middle school certification to teach language arts and done with my first three hours of graduate school! For those who aren't aware, I'm working on my Master's in Library & Information Science at the University of Kentucky (go CARDS!!!) to become a School Media Specialist. I've really enjoyed this first class, and I can't wait to learn even more. 

Now on to my exciting news. I GOT A NEW JOB!! And I wasn't even looking for one! I'll rewind to November 1. I had just had the BEST day subbing for the sweetest 5th graders in Campbell County, and I guess I just came home in a really good mood and started browsing online (as I usually do in the evenings). There are so many different counties up here in NKY, and my online toolbar is full of links to different job posting sites for the various school districts. I guess I just randomly decided to see if there were any job openings at any of the three county libraries up here, and I came across this Children's Programming position in Kenton County. Many times when I read through job descriptions I can really relate to a handful of the bullets posted with that particular job. With this job,  I read through every single description of the position, and in my head I was screaming to myself, "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!"

Late in the summer I had applied to a part-time position at a different library just to pick up some extra hours, but the hours were going to conflict with my field placement for my Methods class so I ended up not taking the job. But because I had applied to that job, I already had a cover letter and resume ready to go! I filled out the online application and just waited. About a week later (on the 8th) I received an email saying that they would like to interview me for the position. I've had about 3 interviews since I've moved up here, and every time I have gotten a call afterwards telling me that I had all the right answers, but they decided to go with another candidate. Heartbreaking experience if you've never gotten that call. So I expected I would be nervous, but I wasn't. I just told myself that I love what I'm doing now (subbing), and I'd be fine with continuing to do it. No pressure, right? So I printed off a few artifacts from my teaching portfolio to present during the interview, and I went and ROCKED IT. At least I think I did... in comparison to the interviews I had had previously with various school districts. It's much less intimidating to interview with two individuals than sit in front of a SBDM Council of 12 teachers. Much less intimidating. Anyways, I received another call back saying they would like to do a 2nd interview. I made a presentation of ideas for programming, presented it and then got the call that pending a drug and alcohol test, I had the job! Fast forward another week, and I'm sitting in my new office and chatting it up with my new coworkers. 

GOD, where did THAT come from?!

This job has been such a blessing to Alex and I already, and I can't wait for this finals week to be over so that I can just enjoy it. It kind of stinks having to come home and write papers when all you want to do is throw yourself into your "work." Can I even call it work? I get to plan literacy events with arts and crafts! More like FUN if you ask me. It is all the fun parts of teaching children that unfortunately get cut out of the school day because the government is shoving STANDARDS, STANDARDS and more STANDARDS down your throat. While I would love to be in a classroom eventually, now isn't the time, and I am okay with that. I was thinking about the Bible verse this morning that talks about how God will give you the desires of your heart. All this time I've been praying for a teaching position, when in reality, what I really wanted was everything that this new job is. I didn't even know the desire of my heart until I was given it and it was a perfect fit. It sounds so corny, but I'm thrilled. They are even going to pay for half of my grad school. What a financial blessing. Which leads me to....

How do you know if something is just a coincidence or God's intricate handiwork? I ask this not to question events, but I can't help but pose a possible sequence of causes and events in my mind. Is it a coincidence that the week after I decide to go back to waitressing (setting aside my college-degree pride) that I am blessed with this opportunity? It is a coincidence that I receive this job after mine and Alex's first (and very painful) week of strict budgeting, white envelope style? After we decided, in marital oneness, to not let emotion rule our spending habits, but that we were going to budget till our debit-card ever-reaching hands lost their muscle memory? It's hard to know. While we were always financially responsible, there was a lot of room for improvement (there always is) and we decided to tackle this issue head on, no cheating. Is it a coincidence that after all these things, I am blessed with this amazing job? I'm not sure. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe it was the timing of it all. Maybe it was God teaching us that when He reigns over all aspects of our life, we are infinitely blessed. Maybe, just maybe. :)

So here are some before and after pictures of my new space. I dragged 4 bags and a mini-Christmas tree to my first official day at work {today}, and it's looking pretty cozy if I do say so myself. I feel like such a grown up. And this Louisville-longing heart is making itself a little more comfortable here in NKY. It's finally nice to have a place to belong and to pour my heart and passion into. Thank you to everyone who prayed for this job opportunity for me even though you didn't know what you were praying for a the time. I look forward to updating about my job, and I might even create a new blog strictly for story time ideas, etc. for other programmers. We will just have to see where this goes... Until next time! x o x o

Before

Before

My new co-workers are so sweet!

Purged my apartment! 

Almost settled in!

Just have to add some ornaments to my Christmas tree. So festive!

My inspiration. Pictures to remind me to seize the day, try new things, face my fears
 and appreciate all I've been blessed with.