Abandoned

As my loyal blog readers know, most of this blog has been dedicated to updating everyone on how Alex and I's international adoption journey is progressing. Over the past 18 months, I have shared the emotions I've been feeling, fundraising efforts, stories how God has provided financially, etc. This journey was everything I expected it to be and nothing like I expected it to be, and it is with such a heavy and heartbroken heart that I write this post.

Abandonment.

It is what every orphan experiences, and the battle I have been preparing to wage war against, for my daughter, in the name of God's justice. Every child deserves a loving family. Every single one. Over the past 18 months, I have read countless books on the behaviors of those who are abandoned and how to build attachments after such a significant loss in life. THE most significant loss in life. Alex and I spent all last summer in parenting classes to learn how to specifically care and nurture for a child that has been through such trauma. A trauma that neither of us have ever known. We come from loving families that have and always will be there for us, no matter what. We have the greatest friends who are there the minute we need them. We have the most caring church family that has prayed and rejoiced with us along this journey. I just never thought that on this adoption journey, I would experience abandonment in the most personal and significant way.

There's not really any other way to say this but that Alex has decided that he no longer wants to be married. He is unhappy and wants to start his life over. And while this is something that would normally be dealt with privately, it really can't be private. More than 15,000 times, people have clicked on this blog and become a part of our story, whether by reading, commenting, praying or giving financially. We have invited you to be a part of our story, and it is only fair that we share what is currently happening.

I just want everyone to know that I never wanted this to happen. Never. When I got married, it was for forever. If you go back to this blog post, I shared on our anniversary, I wrote down my wedding vows. Here they are:

"Many people believe that the greatest part of love is living happily ever after, but looking back on the journey I've had so far with you, I've realized that the best part of love is when two people grow together in love and fight for love despite every obstacle and circumstance that tries to prevent it from existing or tells you that you don't deserve to have it. I've learned to look back on our story and cherish the moments that we fought for love when it didn't seem so close and for the times we clung to it when it was closer than close. I love the man that I have watched you become, and vow to fight everyday for what we have. I vow to fight for who you are and for who I am when I'm with you. I vow to fight for us. And I vow to fight with all my strength until the day that I die. Forever and always, from this day forward, with Christ and his church as my witness."

I can hardly read through those words because everything is falling apart around me. I am alone and completely on my own. The person that I loved the most in this whole entire world left.

I've spent every day for the past few weeks on my knees, praying that God would "work together ALL things." I don't know why I am surprised, but I don't think I've ever felt closer to Him than I have these past few weeks. I just want to do the right thing in all of this. Unfortunately, the law favors those who want to break the marriage covenant/contract rather than the ones who want to fight to make things work. Legally, there is not much I can do.

As for the adoption, I am now grieving both the loss of a spouse and the loss of a daughter. I walk past her room, all ready and waiting for her to sleep and play in it. I've walked past that room for almost a year, just imagining and dreaming of what our family would eventually look like. I knew she would be abandoned but didn't expect that during this journey, I would be as well. I also didn't expect it to end this soon. And in this way. 

I want every person who has contributed to our adoption financially to know this: We still have every single penny that was raised through fundraising. Every dollar we spent was of our own savings, and we have agreed to give 100% of what was given to us to another family going through the same process. You all gave financially and through donations to help us bring a little girl home, and while we may not be the parents, another little one will be forever chosen and adopted into a loving family because of your conviction and dedication to loving the fatherless.

I feel like I have let everyone down. And I'm sorry. I really am. 

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I've been clinging to Jesus, the one who I know will never abandon me. He is my constant. I find hope in looking back at this blog post. I still believe every word I wrote with my entire being. 

As impressive as creation is, what is more impressive is what He can do with something that is broken.

I am holding onto that hope, and just taking it day by day. Thank you for being on this journey with us... I'm praying for a miracle, praying for healing, and praying that I remain obedient to Him for as long as I live.