Battle

I was once given the advice to read one chapter of Proverbs each day. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and 31 days in most months, so all you have to do is read the date's corresponding chapter to finish the entire book in 31 days. While it is great advice, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I opened my Bible last. The past 2 1/2 months have been the most challenging months I've had in years, and with all the stress of figuring out what I was going to do with my life, my Bible lay in one of my tote bags just waiting. I didn't even know if it was with me here in NKY or packed up in Louisville, but I was searching for papers yesterday, and there it was. And I felt guilty. So I picked it up and set it on the edge of my bed. That's a start, right? Well, I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't slept in almost 2 weeks. And after a failed attempt at a nap earlier this evening, I opened my Bible to Proverbs 12 (because it's July 12....), and I read and read and read. And then I realized something. I probably should have realized it a while ago, but I don't think I was listening. I wasn't sitting still and asking God what He was trying to teach me through all of this. But I listened today, and it's a start.

I realized today that I am in the middle of a fierce battle. A battle for my mind, my thoughts, my convictions and my future. I have always believed the Bible as absolute truth, but when I actually sat down and read and listened to that truth today, I realized that a lot of the thoughts, struggles and things I've wrestled with over the past couple of months about what I believe in, value and stand for, were warring within me. Lately I have been in the most vulnerable state, and instead of saturating myself in God's word and in TRUTH, I settled for sleepless nights and questioned everything I ever stood for. I settled for feeling sorry for myself and thinking that every good choice I made along the way was somehow me doing something great for God. I believed that my good choices happened because of ME, instead of because of His mercy and love and protection over me. I exalted myself in my heart and thought in my moments of weakness that I could survive this by my own strength. Oh how weak I really am. And in that time, Satan continued to attack. You see, he started attacking once Alex and I decided to adopt. Adoption is the physical representation of the gospel here on Earth, and I should have been ready. Maybe I thought I was. It just doesn't surprise me that the moment we sent our dossier off, everything fell to pieces. I should have expected it, and I let it surprise me. And he continued to attack. Destroying my marriage wasn't enough. He wanted everything. My heart. My soul. My mind. My body. Everything. It's a battle. And it will continue to be a battle. But I know where my anchor and where my hope is. All I have to do is give Him some of my time. Give Him my ears to hear what he is whispering to me during those sleepless moments. Give Him my eyes to see those in front of me who are hurting just like I am. It's time for me to start fighting back. Thankfully, I know the battle is already won. All I have to do is rest in Jesus and His truth. Rest in His words that convict, encourage and point me in the right direction. The battle is already won. Now to rest...

Security

Thank you to everyone who has been sending me sweet messages, prayers and Bible verses over the past month. You have no idea how much your words of encouragement have lifted my spirit. It is definitely during times like these when you know who your true friends are. 

Divorce. It's so ugly, and it honestly brings out the absolute worst in people. It's brought out the worst in me, and I am trying to run from it's ugly grip. It has also taught me a lot of lessons. Mostly lessons about security. 

I've always said that Jesus is my rock and my security. But was He really? In a way, yes. But I've realized that I put a lot more security into other things: a job, where I lived, my possessions, my marriage. Those things can obviously help form a sense of security, but what happens if every single one of those things is taken away? What then? Is Jesus enough? 

He is. He really is. 

Because of this divorce, I am having to leave my job that I absolutely LOVE. Scroll back to a few posts ago, and you can read all about it. I won't be able to financially support myself here in NKY so I am moving back home, to Louisville, at the end of the summer. All my "stuff" has literally been taken from my home. Do I still have security when I am sleeping on the floor of an empty apartment? And lastly, the man who promised to love me for better or for worse just left. Moved out and took everything with him. Was my security in him?

It's okay to have things. It's okay to have relationships. But there is security to be found in something much much greater. There is security in Christ who will NEVER leave you or forsake you. There is security in knowing you are His, forever. I always thought that my security was in Him, but now I KNOW. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my faith and my heart are secure. Nobody can take that away from me. 

"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:37-39

That verse was read by our Louisville pastor, Ben Hardman, at Alex and I's wedding. I wanted Christ and His love to be the focus of that day, and I don't think I could have picked a better verse to have been read. Even when earthly love fails, His love is constant and remains forever. In that promise I have hope. 

Abandoned

As my loyal blog readers know, most of this blog has been dedicated to updating everyone on how Alex and I's international adoption journey is progressing. Over the past 18 months, I have shared the emotions I've been feeling, fundraising efforts, stories how God has provided financially, etc. This journey was everything I expected it to be and nothing like I expected it to be, and it is with such a heavy and heartbroken heart that I write this post.

Abandonment.

It is what every orphan experiences, and the battle I have been preparing to wage war against, for my daughter, in the name of God's justice. Every child deserves a loving family. Every single one. Over the past 18 months, I have read countless books on the behaviors of those who are abandoned and how to build attachments after such a significant loss in life. THE most significant loss in life. Alex and I spent all last summer in parenting classes to learn how to specifically care and nurture for a child that has been through such trauma. A trauma that neither of us have ever known. We come from loving families that have and always will be there for us, no matter what. We have the greatest friends who are there the minute we need them. We have the most caring church family that has prayed and rejoiced with us along this journey. I just never thought that on this adoption journey, I would experience abandonment in the most personal and significant way.

There's not really any other way to say this but that Alex has decided that he no longer wants to be married. He is unhappy and wants to start his life over. And while this is something that would normally be dealt with privately, it really can't be private. More than 15,000 times, people have clicked on this blog and become a part of our story, whether by reading, commenting, praying or giving financially. We have invited you to be a part of our story, and it is only fair that we share what is currently happening.

I just want everyone to know that I never wanted this to happen. Never. When I got married, it was for forever. If you go back to this blog post, I shared on our anniversary, I wrote down my wedding vows. Here they are:

"Many people believe that the greatest part of love is living happily ever after, but looking back on the journey I've had so far with you, I've realized that the best part of love is when two people grow together in love and fight for love despite every obstacle and circumstance that tries to prevent it from existing or tells you that you don't deserve to have it. I've learned to look back on our story and cherish the moments that we fought for love when it didn't seem so close and for the times we clung to it when it was closer than close. I love the man that I have watched you become, and vow to fight everyday for what we have. I vow to fight for who you are and for who I am when I'm with you. I vow to fight for us. And I vow to fight with all my strength until the day that I die. Forever and always, from this day forward, with Christ and his church as my witness."

I can hardly read through those words because everything is falling apart around me. I am alone and completely on my own. The person that I loved the most in this whole entire world left.

I've spent every day for the past few weeks on my knees, praying that God would "work together ALL things." I don't know why I am surprised, but I don't think I've ever felt closer to Him than I have these past few weeks. I just want to do the right thing in all of this. Unfortunately, the law favors those who want to break the marriage covenant/contract rather than the ones who want to fight to make things work. Legally, there is not much I can do.

As for the adoption, I am now grieving both the loss of a spouse and the loss of a daughter. I walk past her room, all ready and waiting for her to sleep and play in it. I've walked past that room for almost a year, just imagining and dreaming of what our family would eventually look like. I knew she would be abandoned but didn't expect that during this journey, I would be as well. I also didn't expect it to end this soon. And in this way. 

I want every person who has contributed to our adoption financially to know this: We still have every single penny that was raised through fundraising. Every dollar we spent was of our own savings, and we have agreed to give 100% of what was given to us to another family going through the same process. You all gave financially and through donations to help us bring a little girl home, and while we may not be the parents, another little one will be forever chosen and adopted into a loving family because of your conviction and dedication to loving the fatherless.

I feel like I have let everyone down. And I'm sorry. I really am. 

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I've been clinging to Jesus, the one who I know will never abandon me. He is my constant. I find hope in looking back at this blog post. I still believe every word I wrote with my entire being. 

As impressive as creation is, what is more impressive is what He can do with something that is broken.

I am holding onto that hope, and just taking it day by day. Thank you for being on this journey with us... I'm praying for a miracle, praying for healing, and praying that I remain obedient to Him for as long as I live.

Update!

I know I haven't updated in a while, but we are making progress! We sent our dossier to our agency a few weeks ago and as I expected, they sent it back because we were missing a few things. The good thing is that they are super easy documents to get and send back so we should have it sent back by the end of the week! Thanks for checking back and following our journey.


As you might have noticed, I deleted my personal Facebook account. I have another Facebook account but that is for work purposes. Feel free to add me on there, but understand that I only post work-related material. Feel free to send me direct messages or emails! :)

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Many times when I am cleaning my apartment, I come across sermon notes from church services throughout the year. I hate throwing them away, but I know that I can't keep them forever. I used to have a notebook that I took notes in, and I should probably get back into practice with that, but that is beside the point. Today I came across some notes I took during a service on prayer. I just wanted to take a quick moment to blog these notes so that I can feel okay before throwing them away. Storing my notes here guarantees that I can go back to them whenever I want and it also gives me a chance to share them with anyone that might be blessed by them. 

When you pray...
1. You must be in good standing with God. Confess any sin before Him and repent. If you have wronged someone, make it right before going to God in prayer. Come before Him with clean hands and a pure heart. 

2. Pray in the will of God. Many times this is hard because we are trying to find out what the will of God in our lives is. {Tip: Pray the word of God.}

3. Believe that God wants to answer your prayers. 1 John 5:14-15

4. Persevere in your prayers. They are not always answered immediately. If it helps, write them down so that you can go back and look at how God has responded over the years.

5. Praise God and thank Him. Not only for the things He has already done, but also for the things that He will do in the future. 

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

John 15:7 ESV